the rage within

i hate the fact that when i get angry- my physical reaction is to cry. the angrier i get the more tears well up in my eyes. i can't help it and i find it utterly frustrating because the last thing i want to do is give off the impression that someone has hurt my feelings or that i'm weak. so then i get angry (now at myself) which only exacerbates the situation. and the fact that this is a common trait shared among my female friends, colleagues, etc provides me little comfort.

for the first time in a long time, someone pissed me off enough to make me (almost) cry. i calmed myself down before any tears were actually shed. the annoying thing is i have to turn around and deal with this a-hole tomorrow and will have to figure out a way to maintain some type of working relationship with the guy.

thinking about it, even hours later, still makes my blood boil. so let me put it out of my mind for the time being. but if anyone has a solution for dealing with the whole tears of rage thing- i'm all ears.

felice

one of my biggest complaints about the UES is the lack of good, affordable restaurants and cool bars. instead, there is a plethora of restaurants that serve mediocre, overpriced fare, fratty sportsbars, and twilight zoney diners (disclaimer: there are a handful of amazing restaurants on the UES if you are willing to pay a pretty penny such as sushi of gari). for the most part, i've written off the UES and head downtown or to brooklyn for dinners or drinks out. . . .until felice.

felice is a small, italian wine bar on 1st ave and 64th. the ambience is cozy, almost rustic, with an air of refinement. there are a handful of tables outside (love outdoor seating), a nice inviting white bar in the back, a communal table in the center of the room, and smaller tables along the perimeter. the menu is exactly what i like to see at a restaurant- short and sweet. to me this indicates a focus on doing a few things well rather than a lot of things just so-so. on the list was a selection of crostone, an assortment of meat and cheese platters, a handful of salads, pastas, and entrees.

we order two glasses of prosecco to whet the appetite and start the evening of festivities. i order a prosciutto and olive spread crostone and the cheese and meat platter to start until the rest of the group arrives. the prosecco is refreshing with a hint of sweetness and a nice contrast to the salty flavors of the appetizers. the crostone comes out with three pieces and topped with mounds of prosciutto. delicious and i feel captures the essense of italian cooking- uncomplicated, fresh, and comforting. the selection of cheeses and meats were excellent.

two more of our group arrived. fitz ordered a bottle of red wine so i don't recall the label (too much wine that night)- what i do remember is that it was a great red, dry, medium body and very food-friendly.

we ordered more crostone- this time with eggplant, zucchini, and a soft cheese. also delectable.

the last three of our group arrived. another bottle of wine. someone orders a ravioli in a pesto sauce in addition to more crostone. another two bottles of wine.

somehow, three hours passed by and i had a lovely time. the best part, was being able to walk home from the restaurant. . . and felice may very well become my new regular.

unroutine check up

it's been YEARS since i've had a regular physical and for the most part i've done fine without it. however, during a recent bout of coughing that persisted for weeks, i decided it was important to have a primary care physician that i could go to for whatever odd ailments arose.

my appointment day finally came- i was scheduled for 3PM. the office was a shared doctors/optometrist office. the reception room was cramped and a bit dingy. i checked in and after filling out all my paperwork the reception explained that there were two patients ahead of me. i mentally prepared to wait. afterall, it would be abnormal to go to a medical appointment and not have to wait, right?

3:15
3:30
3:45

the medical assistant asked to see my insurance card and asked me to pay for the co-pay. she looked at me apologetically and assured me that the doctor would be ready for me in 15 minutes.

4:00
4:15

my temper began to flare up as i heard the doctor chit chatting with the staff. after she i asked the medical assistant how much longer the wait would be as i had to get back to work. just 15 minutes, she said. sensing my frustration, the assistant took me to the room adjacent to my doctor's office which turned out to be the optometrist's office. she checked my temperature, heart rate, blood presure, and blood oxygen level. next i was lead into the real doctor's office where i was hooked up-all matrix like- to a blood flow tester.

4:30.

finaly, the doctor comes into the room with a chinese man. i pull my shift closed tighter and look around awkwardly. she talks with the chinese man for awhile about checks and bills and he finally leaves the room. i can't help but feel anxious and i mentally picture the piles of emails that are building up at work. she is a very petite woman in her 50's/60's with short, dark brown hair and wearing a full chinese ensemble. she makes conversation- asks me about my family, tells me how she was an activist during the vietnam war, talks about her daughter, etc. all i really want her to do is get to business.

4:45

my phone rings

em: are you ok?

v: oh, hey sorry. i just got into see my doctor. sorry i'm gonna be here for a bit longer.

em: you should just go home afterwards.

v: no no, i have too much work to do. i'll see you in a bit.

i hang up.

dr: oh, i'm sorry we're running so late today. usually we are more organized, but we are in the process of moving, etc. next time just call ahead and see where we are with the appointments.

v: oh ok. urm, isn't that what an appointment is for?

the doctor proceeds to check my heart, pulse, etc. she notes that my heart rate pattern is abnormal and asks me if i ever get heart palpitations or murmurs. finally, she suggests that i take an echocardiogram. she calls the chinese man, who turns out to be a visiting doctor from china, into the room. she explains that he'll be performing the echocardiogram. then she leaves the room.

wtf??? i thought there always had to be another female in the room for medical exams. the whole POINT of choosing a female doctor is so i don't have to deal with male physicians. ugh. i am told to lay down on my side as he uses this probe covered with gel to look at my heart. the procedure takes about 10 minutes but feels like much longer. and i'm not a happy camper.

the appointment is wrapped up. my doctor asks me to go get a series of other tests done in a nearby lab and follow up in a couple weeks. i ask dr li if my heart seems ok. he says it is probably "ok" but my dr will have the final word. so all in all, instead of feeling better, i leave my appointment with 2 more appointments to make and the sensation that something might be wrong with me. this is why i don't go to the doctor.

technologicaly challenged

while i'm sure i'm quite capable of figuring out computer/technology related things- i find it utterly uninteresting. consequently, i've gotten into a habit of relying on my tech-savvy friends to handle whatever ruts i get into.

needless to say, it is unsurprising that the boy was the one to notice that my blog is looking a bit f-ed up. . . the profile is skewed upwards and cut off.

it's about time to get a new "look" anyways- however, with the limited options provided by blogger and my inherent laziness with figuring out how to edit html myself- it will certainly be a challenge.

but stay posted. change is on it's way.

doing the right thing

i was sitting at my cubicle when em came up to me. "don't do anything!"

i looked at her blankly.

"i don't want you to do anything!" my boss proclaimed convincingly.

what she referred to was my division's tradition of celebrating every associate's birthday. basically, there is some pretense of a surprise where everyone goes to the conference room and the birthday boy/girl has to go to the room and pretends to be surprised by the celebration which inevitably involves dessert- whether it be cupcakes from buttercup bakery or carvel icecream cake.

so i find myself in the odd position of trying to decipher my boss's true meaning. . .should i follow her literal direction and insist there be no celebration? would this make her TRULY happy or would the lack of festivities unexpectedly make her sad? or do i go with tradition knowing that it makes her unhappy?

this is my predicament.

we've decided to forego the usual festivities in lieu of a nice bouquet of flowers and a card. . .and just in case, i'm going to bake some birthday cookies.

sweet ling ling

a whole nother side to josh.

death by bus?

while i have a taste for the finer things and am more than willing to shell out for certain things- an amazing meal, a pair of good running shoes, an excellent hair cut and color- i am extremely cheap about others. this is why i almost never take cabs, will never own an "it" bag, and bring my lunch to work every day. my mom once chided me for asking for a cup of hot water which i would use with my own tea bags (why pay $1.50 for a bag that costs a fraction of that?).

this is also why i take the chinatown bus whenever it's time to visit my big brother in philly. it may gag you with it's intense dirty, wet sock odor; overheat during the summertime causing the driver to pull over and stop the car for 10 minutes which turns into 30 minutes because some idiot is taking her time to buy stuff at the convenience store and almost breaks down because the driver turns the AC on intermittenly because the passengers all gripe about the heat even though this will just cause the bus to overheat again and prolong everyone's sweaty misery; and be filled with loud, middle aged chinese people that make it nearly impossible to nap.

. . .BUT it costs a mere $10 each way. and at $4+ a gallon. . . it ain't so bad.